TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed in the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely outside of put. Made by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Sure, positive, let us have One more spot where American Adult men can dress in robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although past negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: present everyone a set around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is comfortable electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It can be that he need to quit working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the job, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic individuals. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential evidence storage" Trump Tower Damascus and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping forms a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a feature currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following getting the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It can be not just unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Baffling Features


Perhaps the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium wherever friends may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "in which's the nearest elevator to the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is previously attracting awareness from international traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll buy a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel in which my PTSD might have transform-down provider."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

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